Things I Couldn't do If I Did Not Live Alone #1

#1. Read Hamlet while going to the bathroom.
Reading on the toilet is generally considered normal and I personally prefer Shakespeare as my lavatory literature of choice. But with Shakespeare I like how the words sound a lot more than how they read. So I read Hamlet out loud. I also use voices for the different parts. My Polonious is okay but im especially proud of my Gertrude.

Numbers

I love the shit outta numbers. I'd rather have numbers than words. For example I wish that when someone asks me how my weekend was an acceptable answer would simply be "six." Actually I love numbers so much I wish I could break it down even more.

Productivity: 2

Relaxation: 6

Fun: 8

And I would have a time series chart showing the correlation between the three. I think I love number so much because they can be so accurate. To me saying this weekend rated a 10 in "fun" communicates infinitely more than "dude, it rocked."

The thing I hate most about my job is the reports they make me do. I get to design the format of the reports but not the numbers within them. It keeps me up at night. I grind my teeth. Why does the owner want to keep track of the number of presentations made and the number of positive reactions......

I've decided to stop. The entire article can be summed up in this: I love numbers so much that I hate it when they are misconstrued.

The End.

Final Exam

Scene: Top floor of the business building. A long hallway lined with cubicles. Light passes through a single large fan oscillating at the end of the hall. Professors huddle over their desks fervently scratching away with red pens. Except for one.  One professor leans over a paper. Her face is ghost white. She is stunned.

Professor: Dios Mio! He's done it! He's done it!

She leaps out of her cubicle and runs down the hallway, holding the paper in the air. The other professors peer up from their work, squinting at the bright light.



Scene: Dean's office. He is sitting at his desk ruffling through some papers. We see that they are divorce papers. Professor bursts in the room.

Professor: Dean! A student's done it! A perfect paper! It's a miracle!

Dean scoffs
Dean: Please professor don't be silly. Let me take a look at the thing.

As the dean reads the paper the snooty smile slowly fades from his face as tears of joy begin to fall.

Dean: My God. It's just so... beautiful.

Professor: I told you! Truly this grade deserves a one hundred.

Dean: A one hundred? That would be an injustice to this paper! Nay! An insult! This paper deserves a two hundred! No! Two million!!


Later that day:

Dean opens the door to his home and tussles the hair of his son and plants a big kiss right on his wife's lips.

Wife: Why, my goodness. What in heavens was that for husband?

Dean: No reason, my love. No reason....

Cut back to Dean's office.  Close up of trash can reveals divorce papers.

My Contacts

I have more restaurants programmed into my phone than I do friends. What can I say? I hate waiting for takeout.

Song Lyric!

I thought writing a blog that no one knew about would make me better than everyone else. Looking back on it, I'm not sure what my thought process was.

Match.com

I joined match.com
I put "bangs" in the search engine but was not pleased with the results.
Every girl on there lists Twilight as the last book they have read. I hate that shit.
Match.com charges on a sliding scale determined by your desperation.
I only have two pictures on there neither one of them are of my abs.

Reps at work

One of the 40 year old reps stands out to me because he brought a hot 18 year old to the Christmas party at work. I was immediately impressed. Today at work he asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him i went to a concert to which he responded, " I like The Fray, I bet they'd be cool to see." Only later did I realize that this was probably his 18 year old chick pick-up line.